Butterflies are a wonderful analogy for transformation and the beauty that may arise from it. Their metamorphosis is a great metaphor for my work - and inspiration alike.
However... as the process of transformation is a difficult undertaking, it requires the art of dancing. A dance that offers constant adjustment to changing conditions. Trial and error are its sequence. Discipline as much as ease and letting go are its foundation - and eventually, this will lead one to find a new state of flow, balance, and wellbeing.
The human behind the dance
at present
It is nothing short of a challenge to find suitable nouns to describe who I would be. Being a human is my species. Being a woman, my gender. Being a scientist, my former education and Enna is my artist name.
But who am I?
Truly, my life is a process and pierced with uncertainty. At the moment I do not even know where home would be. Where to settle and find a safe place? I feel like a leaf blown by the wind, riding on air currents, swirling around, directionless. The latter of which is, of course, not quite true because my direction is clear: I intend to fully heal and regenerate.
This is because I fell severely ill in mid-2022 and was made redundant after ten days of sick leave. In March 2023, I decided to return from New Zealand back to Germany. A decision that dropped me into an even greater hell. Family trauma was reactivated, the culture clash was massive, the loss of my social life was all-embracing, and bureaucratic battles seemed to never stop on top of medical conditions (like me/cfs) that Western medicine says to be incurable.
And so my journey began: Not only had I to learn what true wellbeing means, but also where my boundaries are. All whilst bearing a lot of physical and psychological pain.
As you might anticipate, my healing is ongoing. It has not finished for it will be the most important, on-going task: for the rest of my life. Every single day.
We give life meaning through our actions, but also through love, and finally through suffering.
Two years ago, I would have described myself as a well-educated soil scientist and journalist. A woman who was working for local government in Aotearoa New Zealand. She was young, clever, successful, active, sporty, and social, a surf lifeguard volunteer - in short: she was meeting all expectations that society, family, friends, and work placed on her. She had been raised in this way. Seldomly said she no. Certainly was she a perfectionist. She got many scholarships. Her Master of Science degree was a straight 1.0 average. Her PhD was accepted without revisions.
Writing down my achievements today feels a little odd given that those once defined so much of who I thought I had been. I do not intend to diminish myself here, yet I have come to realise what the price was to be so driven - and nobody had ever told me. I suppose, there were not many I could have picked up clues from and how would there be in a Western world that promotes all the very things that I so perfectly portrayed? Do not get me wrong: I certainly enjoyed large parts of my past life. It was wild! Aotearoa... My time in Mongolia. These experiences are all part of my becoming and thus you will find bits and pieces reminisced and referred to.
the past
the future
Living a quiet life at current, often observing the leaves at play in the breeze - for hours, is a deeply creative experience. There is no such thing as boredom. Even if I have "nothing" to do, sooner or later an idea will appear. Blossom to light from some back corner of my mind. Most of my mental inventions might never make it into practice. However, there are a few sticky ones that I truly intend to pursue (somehow, somewhen). For example, I wish to write an autobiographical book about my time in Mongolia (oh boy, there are stories to tell!). Do the same (maybe?) with what I am currently going through. Metamorphosis, the title is already been set. I too wish to live independently and self-sustained on a piece of land where permaculture flourishes on healthy soil, bumble bees humm, no artificial sound is to be heard, and creativity an ever-present guest. Most important will be 1) I must never forget what the past two years have taught me i.e., to be gentle, quiet, humble, calm, less busy, and more observant. 2) Life is a process. It is not that crucial for me to anymore achieve a "goal" at a certain time but rather to fully inhale the process. Says the former perfectionist. Is this growth? 3) First and foremost, I am striving for a life in tune with evolutionary biology (especially the human nervous system). Very true.
What about the wild times and wilderness adventures?
No worries!
Stories about those will be part of this dance, too.